Big truck, small fish
/WE go whitebaiting with Holden’s one-of-a-kind Colorado ROX and a famous former All Black.
“Got a tow rope?”
“Nup.”
“How about a shovel?”
More head shaking.
“Hmmm. Okay, we can use the winch. Where’s the control unit?”
“Um, at work … but it’s possibly not working any way.”
Well, something needs to be done and fast. The tide is on the turn, a storm’s a-coming and, oh yeah, echoing in my head is the sentence incorporated into the invitation that has brought me here.
“Please remember this is the ONE AND ONLY Colorado ROX in existence, so be respectful of the vehicle – driving in a manner which could damage it WILL NOT be tolerated.”
I’m guessing bogging it at the mouth of the Waikato River isn’t considered ‘acceptable’ behaviour. But it’s happened, so …
Wind back the clock 24 hours. Holden New Zealand corporate comms guy and good mate Ed Finn, a genius for creating fun events to keep his brand in the news, is welcoming me to his latest escapade.
‘Big truck, little fish?’ Easily-explained. A whitebaiting adventure with former All Black and Holden ambassador Stephen Donald, with the Rox, a showboat Colorado built for Field Days and now on the staff fleet.
This rig’s enhanced dimension make it easily spotted in Auckland airport’s hectic parking precinct. My flight’s late, so Ed’s been loitering and I’m surprised those notoriously vicious ticket sharks haven’t sniffed blood. Yet it’s not been approached. What daunts more: The angry attitude or that none are tall enough to slip the paperwork under the wipers?
The sheer audacity of its upsize by RVE is breath-taking. The genesis for it being visually wider and taller than the donor comes from meeting desire to integrate 35-inch rims; only achieved by lifting the suspension 100mm and the body off the frame by 50mm. After that, it became a magnet for every dream mud-worker accessory. Finn’s lips are zipped, but it’s gotta be a six-figure spend.
Invitation to take the wheel raises a challenge unusual for me. I’m tall but it’s still a climb and awkward, too; requiring a swing up and in, leaning back so as to avoid headbutting the door surround.
Trundling off, it soon apparent that the driving is as bogan as the fitout. Those tyres skate easily on seal, so braking and steering requires steadiness. Though the elevation helps with distance visibility, close-proximity traffic often falls into the many blind spots.
The further we get from civilisation, the better it is for everyone else, though on country roads find yourself battling misconception that, if not straddling the centre, the far side rubber’s into greenery and gravel. But rather this than meeting a stock truck on a blind bend.
Rox’s weight is guesswork but the languor of its step-off and mid-range response, a fuel burn average topping at 16.1 litres per 100km and the gearbox’s cog-shuffling at 100kmh suggest making the engine more lion-hearted would be worthwhile. Assuming it’s actually doing that speed. The analogue and digital displays are in dispute: When one shows 100, the other says 93.
Whatever it lacks in oomph is more than made up for in pulling power. It’s always gaining attention. It’s a crack up, all the same, when a road worker misidentifies it as “the HSV that was on Fair Go.”
As soon as it hits muck, it’s a much happier porker. Generous clearances and superb suppleness allow for hard-out attacks on ruts and bumps and those boots are now digging in. And I mean digging … on soft stuff, it’s less grip than rip. Those giant wheel shrouds inadequately inhibit great clods of landscape being flung high.
A blast down Kariotahi Beach to the Port Waikato end leaves the flanks, side glass and door mirrors included, utterly coated in ironsand. So when photographer Simon Watts asks me to reverse park at waters’ edge I’m reversing more by feel. A dumb idea that backfires when the whole rig violently tips down on the right rear. I’ve stupidly backed into biggest water-filled hole on the beach. A whole world of trouble.
It was a close call. No amount of throttle rocking was getting it out, but, ultimately, a trick from an old muck master did. I deflated the tyres just enough to spread the weight and break the suction.
The day thereafter takes us upriver to the estuary and dedicates to fishing in the company of ‘Beaver’ and his mate Dougie, ultimately ending up – after being smashed by a hail storm on the water – in Donald’s river bach, where we consume our catch and chat (as was inevitable) about that day back in 2011 when, after being left out of the All Blacks squad for the Rugby World Cup, our hero went whitebaiting, unaware of effort to get him back into the squad for Eden Park and a kick that has gone into All Black history.
Cell reception today is as rubbish as it was when coach Graeme Henry was on the hunt. So it seems quite funny that today Donald is awaiting another important RWC call … this time in respect to his duty in Japan. With a commentary team.
One more drive with Holden’s trophy truck; straight into the heart of metropolitan Auckland. It’s raining, traffic’s heavy and ... well, it’s not the jungle it was cut for.
Rox is going to roll on with Holden NZ for a while yet; as is this generation of Colorado, with talk the replacement model – tied to a North America-specific Chevrolet cousin with the same nameplate – has been held up to the point the current model might soldier on for four more years.
The Rox will make a great tribal leader until then. But they really should pack a shovel and rope before the next adventure.
